I'm fine
by Bavaria78
Summary: A sequel to "The universal donor". How is Swain coping with the events that happened on Berkelmanns ship? I do not own Sea Patrol
1. Chapter 1

Authors note:

I'm scared. This is my first ever Fanfic I wrote. I apologize for all the mistakes I've made, but I'm German, so English is not my native language. Please review I really appreciate your opinion. I don't own Sea Patrol.

This story takes place after „The universal donor".

Chapter 1

His hands were shaking. His breathing was erratic and beads of sweat covered his face. Swain adjusted his grip on the scalpell, he took a deep breath and pressed the blade of the instrument into the soft skin of Birds back. Instantly the blood began to flow. Not a bit, a lot of blood, way to much for the small incision he has made. He couldn't stop it, there was blood everywhere, the table where Jessica was lying on overflowed with it. Swain awoke with a start. He sat up in his rack, breathing like he had run a mile. It took him a moment to get his bearings. "Thank god it was a dream", but nevertheless he looked at his hands to make sure, there wasn't any blood on it. Chris ran a still shaking hand over his forehead to wipe away the persipation. A glance in the rack below showed him that he was alone in the cabin. It was 4 o'clock in the morning and Dutchy was on nightwatch. Two hours before Swains duty on the bridge began, but the thought of going back to sleep made him shiver. So he put on a grey shirt and his DPNU trousers and made his way to the galley.

This was the fourth night in a row, he had a nightmare about the incident on Berkelmanns ship. The CO asked Swain, if he was fine, as he sat in the wardroom watching Bird sleep of the chloroform. Of course he was fine, he was the medic of the Hammersley, he had to be. Dealing with medical issues was his daily business. But Chris was anything but FINE. He was terrified. To be forced, to almost slaughter one of his mates was something he couldn't get out of his mind.

Swain made himself a brew. "What are you doing up, mate? " a voice from the door startled him. Dutchy leaned on the doorframe and watched his roommate.

"Ah, I just couldn't sleep, so I decided to get some coffee and get an early start," stammered Chris.

"Happens a lot in the last time, doesn't it?"

"This is none of your business! Aren't you on nightwatch anyway?" snapped the medic.

"Hey, relax Swaino! I was just wondering, if you are ok. You went through a lot lately, if you want to talk, I'm ready to listen." Dutchy tried to placate him.

"Well, for your information: I'm fine! Bird went through a lot more and she's coping really well. So why should I have a problem with it? " Chris got worked up.

"You almost cut Birds kidney out of her. I understand if that gives you the creeps. I don't know how I would have digested that one. I mean, you were all alone and ... "

"If I'm interested in your opinion, then I'll ask you, but I'm not!" Swain cut him off. "I've got work to do." And with that he was gone.

Dutchy frowned. That was not the Chris Blake he knew and was proud to call his friend. This sailor was short tempered and seemed almost angry most of the last days. The complete opposite of the always calm and friendly medic, that the whole Hammersley crew loved. PO Mulholland swore that he would help his friend. He just wasn't sure how to do it.

It was an uneventful patrol so far. The sea was calm and the temperatures were pretty high. The crew members that were not on duty were entering the galley to get lunch. Bird was the chef and has prepared chicken curry with rice and salad. Swain has avoided her the whole week, but at lunch time there was no way to do it. Jessica was well aware of his strange behaviour and she put on her biggest smile. "I hope you like chicken curry! " she said in a cheerful voice.

"I have just some salad, thanks. " Swain responded quietly without looking her in the eyes. Bird was confused, she really liked the medic and never felt uncomfortable talking to him. But since the encounter with the organ trader it seemed that he didn't want her around him. Whenever he was in a room she entered, he left immediately if his duty allowed it. Always the social guy before, Chris didn't join the games they played in their free time anymore. When they got some time off to spend on shore while on patrol, he often offered to stay on the Hammersley and keep watch. If he joined the crew for a pub visit, he sat alone in a corner and was drinking. Everybody noticed his strange behaviour and some of his mates tried to get him to open up, but no one was successful. It was always the same pattern. At first he brushed them off and insisted that he was fine and there was nothing to worry about. When they didn't back off, his attitude got nasty, he snapped and said hurtful things. So most of his mates gave him a wide berth.

Swain knew that his friends were just concerned about him. But he was trapped. Trapped by feelings of gulit, shame, anger and angst. Chris couldn't get out of his mind that he almost cut out a kidney of Jessica. What if he wasn't able to distract the guy with the gun? Would he have continued with the surgerey? He probably would have killed Bird. She was only 19 years old and he was supposed to protect her, not kill her! Was there really no other option ? How could this assholes do this to them? What were the crew thinking of him? How could they trust him any longer? He felt like he was going around in circles, but he couldn't find his way out.

Please review!


	2. It's getting worse

Authors notes:

So here's the next chapter. Enjoy and please review.

Chapter 2

Hands were holding him back. He struggled with everything he had, but he couldn't get free. Swain watched in horror as Berkelmann made a deep cut into Birds back. He couldn't help but scream.

The hands were shaking him. „Swain, Swaino wake up, mate. It's just a dream. Come on wake up. That's it mate. You're safe, they can't hurt you." Chris slowly came back from his world of terror. He blinked. It was Dutchy who was holding him.

„Are you ok Swain?" he asked, concern written over his face.

Swain nodded: „Yeah, I'm fine, sorry."

„Must have been one heck of a nightmare!"

„Ah, I don't remember anything."

„Really? You want to pull that one with me?" Dutchy got angry. „Listen mate, I just want to help you! But you have to let me help. If you don't want to talk to me, fine, but you need to talk to somebody. Maybe you should take some time off and go see a counsellor."

„I don't need a shrink. I said I was… „

„Fine, I know. I've heard it a thousand times and God help me, if you say it one more time I'm gonna throw you over board!" Dutchy angrily interrupted him.

„I need some fresh air" and with that Chris was gone.

Dutchy was tempted to go after him, but he was at his wits end what to say to him. It was like he couldn't reach Swain anymore. The medic has tended to his wounds and nursed him back to health on more than one occasion. Swain was his best friend and it was hard for him to see him suffer so much.

The next day on the bridge.

„Sir, we have an unidentified radar contact", Dutchy announced.

„Bring it on the EOD X", ordered the CO.

„Sir, it seems to be a FFV", answered the XO after a few moments.

„RO contact them" „They are not responding" answered RO after the second try.

Mike said: „Looks like we finally get some action, let's have a look!"

„Hands to boarding stations, hands to boarding stations", called the XO.

Ten minutes later the RHIB with the XO, Dutchy, Swain and 2Dads on board left the Hammersley.

Kate tried to reach them with the speaker: „Vessel on my port side this is Australian Navy stop or heave to, we intend to board you" after repeating it was clear, that the crew wouldn't follow the order.

The RHIB was brought alongside and they jumped on board.

„Swain, 2Dads check the wheelhouse, Dutchy with me", ordered the X. As they rounded the bow, there were two fishermen. „Australian Navy step back, who is the master of this vessel?" No answer. From the corner of his eye Dutchy saw a man jump from behind a barrel. Before he could draw his gun the guy cut him on the arm with a large knife. With a surprised yelp Dutchy stepped back. From the other side 2Dads came to help and was able to restrain the man. The X draw her gun and shouted at the other two: „Get down, hands behind your back! Swain we need your help!" „The wheelhouse is empty, Mam." The medic rushed over to Dutchy and kneeled down beside him. Hesitantly the Coxswain rolled up the sleeve of Dutchys DPNU jacket. He carefully held his mates forearm, that showed a long deep cut, which was bleeding heavily.

Swain froze. Suddenly he was back on Berkelmanns ship, staring on the bleeding back of bird. Dutchy sensed that something was wrong with his friend, because he seemed a million miles away and he was as white as a sheet. „Swain?... Swaino, is everything ok?" Dutchy reached out with his good arm and touched his friend on the shoulder. The physical contact brought Chris back to reality. „Ah, yeah let's wrap this up and get you back to Hammersley." He avoided eye contact with his injured mate and went to work.

A short time later on the Hammersley. The crew of the FFV was in the austere and their boat was in tow. In the wardroom Dutchy sat on the bench and Swain prepared to sew his arm up. He was watching his friend closely. Swain was unusually quiet, he seemed nervous and Dutchy was wondering what was going on. The medic cleaned the wound and was about to make the first stitch when he suddenly stopped. He took of his gloves and rushed out of the door in a hurry. Dutchy heard him throw up in the toilet next door. He was about to follow as the door opened an Swain stepped back in.

„What was that, are you ok mate?" he was more concerned about his friend than his own injury. „Yeah I'm fine. Must have been Birds chili. Maybe it was to strong for me." Dutchy remained silent. He knew that Swain didn't eat anything of the chili, he only had salad.

„So let's start this." Chris tried to sound cheerful, but he was terrified. He has already stitched up almost half of the crew, so it was kind of every days business for him. But it felt like it was the first time he had to do it. What if he made a mistake? What if he caused an infection? He had already let Bird down, he couldn't mess up with Dutchy to.

Swain took a deep breath and tried to steady his hand. Dutchy was well aware that his friend was struggling, but he had no idea how to make him feel better. So he decided to wait until they were back in Cairns. Chris finished his work. The stitches were as neatly as ever. He covered the wound with gauze and bandaged the arm.

„Good work Swain, thanks", Dutchy desperately wanted to cheer the Coxswain up.

„Keep it dry and change the dressing every second day", Chris answered mechanically.

„Well, I'm on watch in a couple hours. I think I grab a few winks before. Thanks mate for stitching me up."

Swain just nodded and kept himself busy with cleaning up the wardroom. Dutchy sighed and left.

As soon as his mate had left, Chris stopped what he was doing. He leaned heavily on the bench and tried to pull himself together. His breathing was becoming faster and his chest felt really tight. He felt like he was suffocating. His vision began to swim and he didn't hear the door open.

„What I forgot to ask… Swain, Swaino?"

There was a familiar voice, but Chris couldn't place it. It must have been in the same room, but somehow sounded like it was far away. He wanted to say something but couldn't form the words. He felt his knees buckle and he was out cold before he hit the floor.

Dutchy watched in horror as he saw his friend collapse. „Damn it!" He rushed to Swains side and felt for a pulse. It was there but pretty fast and a bit erratic. „Help! I need some help here immediately, this is an emergency!" He slapped him slightly: „Come on mate, wake up for me."

The CO was in the hallway, because he wanted to get himself a brew. As he heard the shouts he hurried to the wardroom. Mike was stunned as he saw Dutchy bend over an unconscious Swain. Chris was supposed to tend to Dylan not the other way round. „What happened?" he asked his Petty Officer.

Dutchy was confused: „I don't know, he stitched me up a few minutes ago. I came back to ask him something and he collapsed right before my eyes. He had to throw up before he tended to my arm, but he insisted that he was fine."

„Let's get him on the bench, then call Bird. We need her help." The CO was in charge. They carefully picked Swain up and laid him on the bed. Dylan called for Bird over the speaker. Meanwhile Mike wet a cloth and wiped Swains face with it to bring him round. „Swain, can you hear me? You have to wake up mate" the boss tried to rouse him. He was rewarded as Chris eyelids began tu flutter and then open. „That's it my friend, stay with me." Dutchy encouraged him.

Swain was confused. He was lying on the bed in the wardroom. He blinked. A very concerned looking Mike and Dylan were beside him. „Wha.. what happened?"

„You passed out, mate" Dutchy answered relieved that his friend was alert and talking. Swain ran a shaky hand over his face. „I don't remember."

Bird rushed in: „What's the matter?"

„Swain just collapsed, he was unconscious for a few minutes" the CO informed her. „Can you take care of him?"

„Well I'm not a medic, but I can take his blood pressure and temperature" answered Jessica.

„I'm ok. I probably drank to little and I didn't sleep well last night." Swain tried to sit up but Dutchy pushed him back down. „Stay down mate and relax or I will sit on you", he threatened.

Swain was embarrassed: „I'm fine really, I feel much better, no need to make such a fuss."

„We are just concerned Swain" Mike tried to calm him down. „Bird check his vitals every 15 minutes and stay with him. If he is ok over the next hour, you can let him up" the CO ordered.

„Bird is in charge here for the moment, Swain. If she gives you clearance, I want you to go straight to your cabin and rest. Am I clear?"

„Yes Sir. Swain was clearly annoyed, but he knew he had to obey the order. And if he was honest he still felt a bit weak.

There was an akward silence after Dutchy and the CO left the wardroom. „What happened, Swain?" asked Bird in a soft tone.

„I didn't sleep well and I didn't drink enough." Chris stuck with his story.

„You didn't eat a lot, too", added Jessica. „Swain, we never talked about what happened on Berkelmanns ship", she started, but Chris interrupted her.

„Look if you wanna talk about it, I can arrange an appointment with a counselor."

„No, that's not what I meant. I talked to the X and Dutchy, and I think I'm ok with it. I just want to tell you that I'm glad it was you, who was with me on that boat.

„Bird, I can't tell you how sorry I am for letting you down. I almost killed you and there is no excuse for that."

„Chris you never let me down for a second! You did everything you could to prevent the surgery. And if it had come to the worst, I'm glad that you were brave enough to do the operation. Berkelmann would have killed me for that kidney, he would have let me bleed to death. But you would have tried everything to save my life. So do me a favour, stop tormenting yourself, you did nothing wrong."

„If you say so", the medic responded quietly and Bird immediately knew, that he didn't believe her.

With a sigh she took his vitals and wrote it down. Over the next hour there was silence in the wardroom.

„Your vitals are good, you can go to your cabin, if you want. How do you feel?" asked Jessica.

„I'm fine" came the standard response and with that he left. Bird shook her head and went to the bridge to update the CO on Swains physical condition.

Chris walked up to the deck, he needed some fresh air. He was conscious about the fact, that he was falling apart. He couldn't pull himself together any longer. Panic attack. An educated medic that suffered a panic attack over a cut on the forearm. He shook his head. This couldn't go on any longer. He couldn't risk to harm one of his mates. The choice was made.

Coxswain Petty Officer Chris Blake would leave the navy.

AN:

Please let me know what you think so far. I hope there aren't too many mistakes in grammar and spelling.


	3. Chapter 3 - Falling apart

AN:

I'm not a medic, so please forgive me for the mistakes I've made in concern of medical terms.

Chapter 3 – Falling apart

Home port Cairns

The crew of the Hammersley prepared for a five day shore leave. Everybody was happy and looking forward to spend a few days with familiy and friends. Everybody except Swain. He was glad to see Sally and Chloe, but he was so wrapped up in his problems that he knew he wouldn't be able to enjoy the off time.

„What about a beer at the pub?" Dutchy asked him.

„No, not tonight mate. I'm gonna head home to my familiy", denied Swain.

„Yeah, no problem. Maybe I drop by in the next few days." Dylan still wanted to talk to Swain, but he thought it would be better not to do it on board.

„See you then." The medic walked away without a backward glance.

„You can count on that, my friend" murmured Dutchy to himself as he gathered his stuff.

Swain drove home, he stopped his car at the side of the street, but he remained seated. He couldn't face his family. The incident with Dutchy in the wardroom and his following collapse was still fresh on his mind and he couldn't shake it off. He needed some time alone. So, Chris started the engine and drove to the nearest shop and bought a bottle of whiskey. He wasn't a drinker of strong liquor usually, but he needed something to numb himself. There was a secluded beach, where they liked to spend their time. The weather wasn't nice, it was raining a bit, so there would be nobody around.

Swain sat in the sand and took a swig of the whiskey. It burned down his throat, but he appreciated the uncomfortable feeling. He took another one and felt the warmth spread through his body. Chris needed to think about his situation. Clearly he couldn't return to the patrol boat, in his state he was more of a danger than a help to his crew. But what would he do next, he loved the navy with all his heart. He couldn't imagine not being at the sea, not being with his comrades, which had become a second family to him. What about working as a cop? No, he shook his head. Being a paramedic was also out of question. Damn it. What should he do? Swain had to think about his familiy. Sally had a part time job, but he was the breadwinner.

He took a large gulp of the bottle. It was a dead end street. Swain stared at the waves that were silently rolling on shore. He never felt so alone in his life. Surely he could talk to his wife, but he didn't want to burden her. Chloe was just two years old and a handful at times. When Chris was at home, he had to support Sally, make her life a bit easier and not add to her stress. Then there was Dutchy, who had repeatedly offered to have a talk with him. But Swain couldn't open up about his feelings. He was an emotional person and passionate about his work. Normally he didn't have problems to express his feelings. This time was different. If somebody would have told him about a scene like the one that happened on Berkelmanns ship, Swain would have sworn, that he wouldn't cut out the kidney of a healthy person in a million years. And here he was. Almost doing it, removing Birds kidney. Was there really no other option? The question popped up again and again. Chris was questioning everything. He had lost his confidence. He had lost a part of himself. Swain felt scared, alone and he was tired, oh how tired he was. The bottle was already half gone and he was now feeling the effect of the alcohol kick in. He felt numb and it was a relief to feel the ever present tension leave him.

Dutchy was restless. His thoughts were circling around Swain. Dylan was afraid, that his friend would do something stupid. For the third time in twenty minutes he looked at his watch. With a sigh he turned of the TV and rose from the couch. He knew he couldn't relax until this problem was solved. So he got in his car and drove over to his friends house. Dutchy knocked on the door and waited, not sure how to start the conversation with his mate. The door opened and a very tired looking Sally stood there, with Chloe on her hip.

„Dylan, I didn't know you were already back in port, where's Chris?" She craned her neck to look behind him. Confused, because she couldn't spot her husband, she turned to Dutchy with a panicked look. „Where is he? Did anything happen to him? Please tell me!" She was getting worked up.

„Hey, calm down Sal! Swains fine." He cringed at his words. FINE. He began to hate this word! „He probably went to the pub with the crew, for a few drinks and to let of some steam." Dutchy hoped Sally would buy it, but she immediately saw through it.

„Dylan, what are you keeping from me? And don't say nothing, you are a terrible liar, so don't you even try it!" Sally said in a stern voice. „What happened out there? He's not over the thing with Jessica yet, so I hope it is nothing to serious."

Dutchy hesitated.

„Tell me!" Sally ordered.

„Can we sit down and talk, then I'll explain everything to you."

„Sure, just let me put Chloe to bed."

15 minutes later they sat down in the living room with a cup of coffee.

„So, what's the matter? I must admit, you scared the hell out of me, especially because life with Chris is a bit difficult at the moment", Sally confessed.

Dutchy nodded. „He has been through a lot."

„So, what happened?" Sally was getting impatient.

„Um, he was a bit upset earlier today". What an understatement.

„Why?"

„Well, I … Ah, there was a little trouble at a boarding and, well … I, he…"

„Dylan out with it! Stop this stammering at once and tell me straight."

„Well, I was hurt, just a cut on the arm and Swaino lost it a bit." He waited anxiously for Sallys reaction.

„What do you mean, he lost it? Did he harm the guy that hurt you? Well, he's very protective about his crew and I think …"

„No, that's not what I meant. Chris, couldn't handle it very well. First, on the boat, he seemed to be far away. Later, as he prepared to stitch me up, he ran out of the room to throw up." Dutchy felt like shit for doing this to her, but when he wanted to help his friend the truth had to come out and he knew that he needed Sally for this. He only hoped, that Swain would understand and not feel betrayed for telling on him.

„But …" Sally began.

„Please let me finish, Sally. That's not all and I only want to tell it once, because I already feel like an asshole for selling him out. But I think we need to work together, to get him through this."

Sally just nodded.

„He came back after he was sick and insisted, he was fine." Dutchy went on.

Sal let out a humorless laugh.

„Swaino stitched me up as good as ever, but his hands were shaking a bit and I felt that he was having a hard time. Then I left the wardroom, but I came back moments later. I could immediately tell, something was wrong with him. Chris was as white as a sheet and he was breathing heavily, he didn't respond to me and then he collapsed to the floor unconscious."

„Oh my god, I thought you said he was ok?" Sally looked scared.

„I yelled for help and the CO rushed in. We laid him on the bed and he came to after maybe 5 minutes or so. Bird checked his vitals, but she couldn't find anything wrong with him. Swain said, that he didn't sleep well and drank to little. The boss ordered Jessica to monitor him closely for an hour, and if everything was ok to send him to his cabin to rest. Physically he was fine. I didn't buy his explanation to be dehydrated. I think, he had a panic attack and it's all because of the thing with Berkelmann. He lost his confidence, he's doubting himself."

„What? I, I don't know …Dutchy, to be honest I have no idea how to help him overcome this. I tried to talk to him numerous times, but he just brushes me of, and then there's Chloe demanding so much of my time and my job and he's away so much of the time. I tried, really Dutchy…" Sally burst into tears.

Dutchy hugged her. „Sh, it's ok Sal, you're doing a wonderful job as a mum and a navy wife, don't blame yourself, but we can't blame Swaino either. We just have to find a way to get through to him and we can do this together. I won't stand by any longer and watch him go downhill. He's not sleeping, because of the nightmares and he's barely eating. I understand, if this is hard to hear, but you have to know all the facts. Then we can go from there."

„Chris seems so distant at times. He excludes me from all the bad things, that happen out there. I know he just wants to protect me, but in doing so, he bottles everything up. I would do everything for him, but to be honest, I think you have better chances in this case." Sally was desperate.

„Well, it's probably easier for me to understand, because I'm out there with him and this is a world of it's own at sea. Sorry Sally, I lied to you earlier. Swaino isn't at the pub, I checked this. But don't get upset, I'm sure he's not doing anything dumb. He probably went somewhere to think things through. Where would he go, Sal? Is there a place he likes, where you can be alone?"

„Our favourite place to visit is the secluded beach, the weather isn't nice, do you think it's possible, he went there?" Sally asked hopefully.

„Sounds reasonable. I go and have a look. I'll text you, if he is there, but do me a favour and give us some time, yeah?"

„Anything, just bring him back to me, Dylan."

Dutchy understood the double meaning of her words and nodded: „You hear from me as soon as I find him."

Dylan arrived at the beach thirty minutes later. He could see Swains car in the parking lot. It was the only one. He took out his phone and messaged Sally, that he had found her husband.

He took a deep breath and left the car. It was raining and Dutchy wondered, what he had to expect at the beach. He walked down the path, that led to the shore. There was Swain, hunched over and soaking wet. A picture of pure misery. Then he noticed the bottle of whiskey laying loosely in his hand. As far as Dutchy could see, the bottle was almost empty. He sighed, he doubted, that he could have a reasonable conversation with him.

„Swain?", he carefully approached him, avoiding to startle him. No reaction. „Swaino", he tried again a bit louder this time. Chris turned his head a little.

„Hey mate, join me for a drink?" he slurred.

„No, I think you had enough for both of us. What are you doing here? Why aren't you at home with your family?"

„Needed some time alone", came the barely audible answer.

„I was at your home to have a talk with you. Sally is concerned about you, mate and so am I."

„Talk, talk always talk. Why don't you all just leave me alone?"

„Because we simply care about you, friend."

„I don't care."

Dutchy got angry. „You don't care?! Since when are you so egoistic? What about Sally and Chloe? Don't you care about them anymore? You're disgusting me. Sitting here totally drunk and wallowing in self-pity. That's not the Swain I know. What's wrong with you?"

„It's not self-pity. It's, it's…."

„What, punishment for your sins?", Dutchy knew he was pushing him hard, but he had tried everything else.

„Shame, fright and doubt" whispered Swain and emptied the bottle before Dutchy could take it from him.

Dylan sat down beside his friend, shaken by his words. For a few minutes there was silence.

„What are you ashamed for?" He asked. No answer. „Swaino?"

„I don't feel so good" with that he rose and stumbled a few steps, before he trew up.

Dutchy went after him and held him by his shoulders, to prevent him from keeling over.

„Come on buddy, let's get you out of this rain. You're staying with me tonight. I'll give Sally a call and let her know." Dylan helped Swain up and almost had to drag him back to the car. It was a chore and once Chris was seated, he was out for the count. He picked up Swains bag and gave Sally a short call. After that he drove home.

Waking Swain up, as they arrived at Dylans house, was easier said than done. He was mumbling something incoherent and leaned heavily on Dutchy. He helped his drunk friend to the couch, where he collapsed into the cushions. Dylan knew that a reasonable conversation was out of question this evening, that had to wait until Swain was sober.

„I've brought your stuff, so you can get changed into something dry." He had noticed that Chris was shivering, so he gave him his bag. „You want to have a shower?"

„No, to dizzy for that."

„Maybe I should take you to the hospital. A whole bottle of whiskey, man! You could have suffered alcohol poisoning."

„No, please don't take me there. I'm alright, just need to sleep it of." Swain was pleading.

„Ok, you win this time, but tomorrow we will have a good talk. You know you can't go on like that."

„I know it. I'm gonna quit."

„Quit? I don't understand."

„I will leave the navy, they have no use for a person like me."

„Are you nuts? You can't leave the navy, you love it. It's your life beside Sally and Chloe. What do you want to do then?" Dutchy was shocked.

„I don't know, something where nobodys life depends on me. Where I don't have to kill a friend of mine". The last words were only whispered.

„Swaino, relax mate. You have to sober up and then we can find a way out of this mess. You are not alone, you know?" Dutchy tried to soothe him.

„I can't stand it any longer, Dutchy what happens to me?" Tears were streaming down his face.

Dylan laid an arm over his shoulder. „I don't know mate. But promise me one thing, will you do this for me?"

„What do you want me to promise?"

„Don't do anything stupid. Don't do anything stupid, you hear me?" Dutchy urged him.

Please review


	4. Chapter 4 - No perspective

AN:

So, here we are again. It's not getting better for our favourite medic.

Chapter 4 - No perspective

The next day at Dutchys house.

It has been a rough night for both of them. Swain has repeatedly thrown up, as his body tried to get rid of the whiskey. Dylan didn't dare to leave his friends side, because he was concerned about the amount of strong liquor Swain had drunk.

Dutchy awoke with a sore neck. Sleeping in a chair wasn't very comfortable. He looked over, where Swain was lying on his couch. He was snoring softly. He hadn't thrown up for three hours, so Dylan hoped the worst was over. He got up and stretched a bit, then he went into the kitchen to make a strong brew. Dutchy had the feeling, that his friend would need it when he woke up. He just hoped, that Swain was a bit more approachable than the night before.

„What a mess!" He said to himself.

„Yeah, you could say that", a hoarse voice behind him agreed.

„How do you feel?"

„Like death warmed up. I've never had such a bad hangover."

„Well, you have probably never drunk so much whiskey", Dylan commented dryly.

„Yeah, that too. Do you mind, if I have a shower?"

„No, not at all. I'm gonna make some breakfast, you want something special?"

„Just coffee, mate", Swain went a bit green at the mention of food an hurriedly left the kitchen.

Twenty minutes later they sat down at the kitchen table. There was an akward silence and both were staring in their cups.

„Ah, about last night … I'm sorry. I don't know why I drank so much, I'm aware that alcohol doesn't solve anything, I think I just wanted to forget for a while."

„Were you serious about leaving the navy?"

„Yes, I were. I think it's the only solution."

„Swaino, that's no solution, that's running away from your problems." Dutchy countered.

„Mate, you saw me at the boarding and later in the wardroom. I admit it, I'm no longer in a fit state to do my job properly. So, I better leave the navy. I' ll go to Commander White later and tell her."

„Chris stop, please. You can't rush such a decision. You have to think it through and you should speak to Sally about it."

„I've made up my mind and nothing is gonna change that", Swain was determined.

„No, I'm not gonna let you of the hook so easy. Yesterday you said you are ashamed, frightened and that you doubted yourself. Listen, mate and listen good. First: You have absolutely no reason to be ashamed of anything. You did the right thing, you saved Birds life. Second: It's okay to be scared, there's nothing wrong with it. But you can't let the fear consume you. You mustn't think about the worst thing that could happen. You have to stay positive, that everything is gonna be ok. Third: Why do you doubt yourself? You are the best medic, I've ever met. And believe me, I came across a lot of them in the Gulf and on the frigates, I was on. Not one of them was as dedicated as you are. You saved so many lifes, just think of it. You've stitched up almost everybody on board of Hammersley, you have done so much more, than what is in your job description. So for gods sake, don't doubt your abilities."

„I appreciate your try to cheer me up mate, but my decision is made."

Dutchy saw red, he reached over and pulled Swain up by his collar and began to shake him.

„What the hell is the matter with you? Why do you throw your life away, your career, our friendship, everything? I can't believe it. I never thought that you could be so stubborn, stupid and a coward on top of it."

BAM! That last remark earned him a solid right hook from Swain. Dutchy stumbled back, momentarily stunned from the blow. He could block the next punch from Chris. Now Dylan was really mad. He lunged at Swain and began pummeling him with his fists. Chris fell down and kicked Dutchys legs out from under him. They were rolling on the ground and going at each other like two attack dogs. Swain got the worst of it, because of his bad hangover. Dutchy got another good one in and Swain wasn't able to fight back any longer. It seemed Dylan also had enough, because he stood up and turned away from Swain, breathing heavily. Chris got on his knees, he was pretty dizzy and he felt nauseous. He felt ashamed for loosing his temper, but he was also pretty angry at Dutchy. Why couldn't he accept his decision to leave the navy? He was a grown up, for gods sake. Swain stood up and went into the adjoining living room, where he collapsed onto the couch. On the couch table both cell phones began to beep. Chris ignored it, but Dutchy went and checked out the message.

„We're crash sailed, looks like you have to delay your runaway plans. Get your stuff, I'll drop you of at your home" he snarled.

Swain didn't answer anything, he just grabbed his bag and left the house. The drive to Swains home was silent. They were really angry at each other and both a bit ashamed that the conversation ended in a brawl.

Chris stood in front of his house and took a deep breath. He opened the door and was greeted by his wife. „Oh my god! What happened to your face, honey?"

„Dutchy and I had a go at each other."

„What? Why? Chris what is going on? That's not like you, to get totally drunk and hit your best friend!"

„I know and I'm sorry for causing you so much sorrow. Look Sal, we were crash sailed. We are leaving port in 90 minutes. I promise, we will talk about everything when I'm back. Where is Chloe? I want to spend some time with her."

„That's crap, they can't send you back out, less than 24 hours after you got in. Chloe is in the kitchen having breakfast.

„You know they can, precious. I hope it's not for too long this time."

An hour later on the Hammersley.

„Why were we crash sailed, Sir?" Dutchy asked the CO, as he entered the boat.

„What happened to your face?" Just as Dutchy started to answer, Swain appeared on the gangplank.

„You too? Both to my cabin, now", bellowed the captain. They followed him without looking at each other.

„How does it come, that both of my Petty Officers are sporting shiners?" Silence. „I demand an answer", Mike yelled.

„We had a fight, Sir." Swain saw no use in lying and at this point, he didn't care any longer about the consequences.

„Why?"

„We had a different opinion on a certain subject, Sir."

„A different opinion? How old are you, six? I would expect such a behaviour maybe from 2Dads, but not from my most reliable sailors. I don't want to know the details, I just want to know: Do we have a problem here? Because I can't accept such a behaviour on my ship. So is there an issue with you two?"

„No Sir!"

„No Sir!"

„All right, dismissed."

They left the cabin and didn't even look at each other. Dutchy headed to the bridge. Swain went to the wardroom to put some salve on his split lip. He felt terrible. The sick feeling was still there and his head felt like a metal band was having a concert in there. His eye was pretty tender and his jaw send stabs of pain throw his face, every time he moved it. Chris sat down and put his head in his hands. Everything had got out of hand.

„Officers to the senior sailors mess."

Swain took a pill for his headache and made his way to the mess.

The X and Charge were already there. „Swaino, what happened to you?" Charge was curious.

„None of your business mate", Chris was in no mood to give an explanation.

The door opened and Dutchy stepped in.

„Oh, now I understand!" Charge grinned.

The X just wanted to do some questioning of her own, as the door swung open and the CO walked in. He didn't address the fact, that two of his sailors looked like a mess. Kate assumed, that the boss had already taken care of the matter.

„There was an undercover operation from the feds, that has gone wrong. They were on a drug smuggler ring and a undercover agent infiltrated it. A huge transfer was sheduled yesterday in the Arafura Sea, the feds pretended to want to buy heroin worth 2 million dollar. But something went wrong, the deal didn't happen and the undercover agent was killed. The feds assume that the drug dealers are still in the area, probably on one of the unoccupied islands. Our job is, to find them and arrest them. The agents Dalton and Williams will join us, they are already on board. Any questions?"

„No Sir!"

„Alright, dismissed." Kate could feel, that Mike was angry.

„Sir, could I have a word with you?" The X asked as the rest of the crew left.

„Sure, let's got to my cabin."

„So, what's the matter X?"

„Swain and Dutchy."

„Yeah, I had a talk with them. Can you imagine? The two actually had a go at each other. I don't know why and I didn't ask about the details."

„Why not? If there is a problem between them it could endanger the whole operation!"

„Whatever the problem was, I'm sure they left it on shore. They are both professionals they can work through it, and I have no time for this kind of nonsense."

„Swain was not himself lately. Do you think he's over that thing with Berkelman?"

„I hope so, I trust him to do his job. So, let's get to work."

„I hope you are right about him. Everybody is on board, we're ready to sail, Sir."

„Good, then let's get out of here."


	5. Chapter 5 - No Choice

Authors note:

I'm not a medic, so please forgive me for the mistakes I've made in concern of medical terms. I aoplogize also for mistakes in the navy related things, I'm German and don't know anything about RAN, but I did my best. I just have been writing this story for fun. There is a lot of drama in this chapter, so I hope you like it.

Chapter 5

They all were frustrated. The crew has searched numerous uninhabitated islands for the last three days and had found nothing. They were sick and tired about the whole operation, that had shortened their shore leave. Today they were nearing Bride Island, which brought back a lot of memories for some of the crew.

The CO had gathered the boarding crew in the senior sailors mess. „I know, that the last days were frustrating, but I want you to stay focused on the task at hand. We don't know what to expect, so keep your eyes open and watch each others back. I want full kevlar, extra plates. We'll send out two teams. XO, Williams, 2Dads and Charge you go south. Dutchy, Swain, RO and Dalton you take the north side of the island." There was a knock on the door. A young sailor entered the room. „Sir, sorry to interrupt, but we just received an update on the weather forecast. There is a huge thunderstorm coming in." „When will it hit us?" „Probably in 4 to 6 hours, Sir." „OK, thank you, dismissed."

Mike turned to his boarding teams. „Ok, guys you heard it. We'll search the island for 3 hours and turn back to Hammersley. With a little luck we can get out of here before the storm hits. Any questions?"

„No, Sir."

„Alright, good luck!"

They were searching the island for 30 minutes and the X gave an update. „Charlie 82 this is Xray 82, do you copy?"

„Xray 82 this is Charlie 82, loud and clear, sitrep, please."

„Charlie 82, nothing so far, no tracks or evidence that the drug dealers were here, over."

„Xray 82 got it, the second team hasn't found anything either. Continue searching and keep me updated, over."

„Charlie 82, understood, over and out."

Dutchys team was combing the jungle on the north side of Bride Island. He was still angry at Swain for wanting to quit. Chris had approached him before they left the Hammersley. He tried to start a casual conversation with Dutchy, but Dylan gave him the cold shoulder.

Dutchy had to stay focused on the patrol, but he felt his thoughts wandering back to his friend again and again. Swain was moving forward on his right flank, Dalton had the left side and RO was behind them to cover their backs. They were searching the area for almost two hours now and had found no evidence for the presence of the criminals, they were looking for.

Suddenly there was a loud blast and Dutchy felt a searing pain in his right leg. He went down hard and clutched his leg, which was bleeding heavily. All his crew mates dived for cover.

The air was filled with gunfire. It was hard to tell, how many foes were firing at them. The Hammersley crew were shooting back, but so far they couldn't even see their enemys.

Swain radioed: „Xray 82 this is Sierra 82, we are under fire and need help immediately, Dutchy is injured!"

„Sierra 82 got it, we'll be there in a few minutes, hang on guys, Xray 82 out." They had heard the gunfire and were already running in the direction, where the shots came from.

„Let's hurry up, our comrades need our help."

Swain still couldn't see their attackers. But he knew,he had to get to Dutchy at once. From his point he could see that his friends leg was bleeding badly and that this kind of injury needed immediate attention. „RO, Dalton cover me, I need to go over to Dutchy now!"

The two startet firing again and Swain ran over to Dylan, who was in a lot of pain. „Easy there fella, I'm here now", the medic tried to soothe his friend.

„It's bad, isn't it?" Dutchy had clenched his jaw.

„Just a scratch", Swain joked. But he was really concerned. This kind of injury could be a killer. The blood was pumping out of Dutchys leg, the ground was already wet with it. Chris assessed the situation and came to the conclusion, that the femoral artery was probably nicked by the bullet. It wasn't severed, because if that has been the cause, there would be even more blood and Dutchy would probably have died already. But it was deadly serious nevertheless. Swain fashioned a tourniquet and the bleeding came to a stop.

„How you feeling, mate?" he asked his friend.

„I feel a bit fuzzy" Dutchy comitted. Swain was concerned. Dylan was pale and he was sweating, his pulse was getting weaker and his eyes weren't focused any longer.

„Dutchy, I need you to stay with me, do you hear me? You have to stay awake!"

Meanwhile the second team had arrived. The came in from behind the drug dealers and were able to kill one of them and take the other three into custody.

The X came running over to them. „How is he Swain?"

„Not good X, he lost a lot of blood. I was able to stop the bleeding, but he needs to be in a hospital ASAP."

„I understand. I'll update the boss, while you get him ready for transport," Kate answered.

„We'll need a stretcher to bring him out of here."

„Ok, RO take the RHIB and bring back a stretcher, hurry up, please."

RO has already started running; „Yes, Ma'am. I'll be back as soon as I can."

„2Dads you will help Dalton and Williams take these criminals back to the Hammersley in the second RHIB. Charge you will stay here, we need you to help carrying Dutchy later."

The X went a few feet away and called the ship: „Charlie 82 here is Xray 82, do you copy?"

„Xray 82 this is Charlie 82, sitrep."

„Sir, the situation is under control. One of the villains is dead, the other three are in custody. The ADF agents and 2Dads are bringing them over. But Dutchy has a serious gun shot wound to the leg, he has lost a lot of blood and we need a stretcher to transport him. I've already sent RO over. So please get the stretcher ready for him. Time is of essence. Xray 82 out."

„Understood Xray 82, we'll get everything ready. Charlie 82 out."

„Bird, get on the line, we need a medivac ASAP. Then go to the wardroom and get everything prepared, that Swain may need to take care of Dutchy", ordered Mike.

„Yes, Sir."

„Sir, I just got an update on the weather situation from Navcom", a young sailor announced.

„I hear."

„Sir, the thunderstorm was upgraded. Navcom orders, that we wait out the storm on the lee side of the island."

„Give me Navcom."

„Commander White we need a medivac right away." Mike wasted no time.

„I'm sorry Mike, but the helicopter can't start. The storm is to strong. You have to wait out the strom."

„Maxine, we can't wait, Dutchy has a serious gun shot wound, we might loose him."

„Mike, if you head out into this storm, you will not loose just Dutchy, you will loose the whole crew. This strom is the worst I've ever seen in my whole life. I'll get a doctor on the line, to tell your Coxswain what to do, but you have to stay in safe waters. That's an order."

„I hope we both won't regret this decision" and with that he hung up.

They had Dutchy on board and in the wardroom within 15 minutes. Swain was ordering Bird to cut Dutchys clothes of, as the CO entered the room.

„How is he, Swain?"

„Not good, he lost consciousness, as we transferred him into the RHIB. He was in a lot of pain, so I gave him a shot of morphine. His pulse is weak and erratic. He lost a lot of blood. I've heard there is no medivac, because of the storm?"

„That's not all Swain. We have to sit out the storm, it's to dangerous, Navcom ordered us to stay here until the worst is over."

„What? They can't be serious! Dutchy needs an emergency surgery to save his life. I can't do nothing here for him, apart from giving him pain relief!" Swain got really upset and his voice was getting louder.

„I know that this is a really tough situation, Chris. You have to do your best. We'll get a doctor on the line to help you."

„I can't."

„You have to."

RO appeared in the open door. „Sir, the doctor is on the line."

„Very good, RO. Swain, if you need anything, just let me know."

„A hospital" Chris murmured and took the headset.

„Sir, here is Petty Officer Coxswain Chris Blake. I have an 38 year old male patient with a gunshot wound to his right thigh. He lost a lot of blood, and I think that the femoral artery was nicked by the bullet, because the blood was pumping out of the wound. The bullet is still in there. I applied a tourniquet and was able to stop the bleeding. His blood pressure is decreasing, 70 to 40. I gave him one shot of morphine."

„Ok Swain, you have done well so far. I was informed, that you are on a patrol boat and unable to leave due to the weather conditions. So, I wouldn't normally advise this, but under this circumstances we have no other choice."

„Sir, what are you talking about?" Swain interrupted with an uneasy feeling.

„You have to take the bullet out, Swain."

„No, I won't do this. I would kill him for sure. I … I … can't …" Swain rushed out of the wardroom.

Bird stood there, unsure what to do. She picked up the headset hesitantly. „Sir, are you still there?"

„Here is Seaman Jessica Bird."

„Hello, Seaman Bird, where is Swain?"

„He left the wardroom. I think he needed a moment to digest, what you want him to do. Is there really no other way?"

„I'm afraid, there is not. Bird you musst convince him that taking the bullet out, is the only chance of survival for your Bosun. Even if he removes the bullet successfully, his chances are slim. But not doing it, will kill him for sure. He won't get to a hospital in time. I'm sorry, but this is his best and only option of surviving this. So, please go talk to Swain and talk fast. I'm staying on the line."

„Yes, Sir."

Jessica opened the door and saw the X. „Ma'am could you please stay with Dutchy for a few minutes?"

„Sure, but where is Swain, why isn't he with him?"

„Sorry, I have no time to explain, I'll talk to you later." Bird promised and left.

She found Swain on deck. „Swain, I have to talk to you."

„No Bird, don't even try it. I can't do it. I'm no surgeon. I don't know enough about anaesthethic, not to mention how to treat the femoral artery. One false move and he bleeds out in a few minutes. I will kill him for sure."

„Calm down, Swaino. I talked to the doctor. There is no way that Dutchy would survive long enough, to reach a hospital alive, if this bullet doesn't come out. Absolutely no chance. Chris you can do it, I know it. Listen, I'm so glad it was you, that was with me on the Kalinda. I trust you more than everybody else on this ship and I know you would have done everything to save my life. Do you want to know why I am so certain about this? That's easy, because you care. You care much more than any other medic or sailor I know. I can see the emotions playing on your face, when you are tending to an injured mate. It is almost, if you could feel their pain. And so, you do all in your might, to help them to get better again. Swain, you have to be confident, you have to believe in yourself and your abilities. I believe in you, and I know Dutchy does, too. You are his only chance to survive, don't take it away from him. I will help you, as much as I can." Bird stretched her hand out. „Do we have a deal, Petty Officer?" Swain took her hand and pulled her in for a hug. „When did you get so wise, Jessica?" „Oh, I didn't. I was born this way." Bird said with a smile on her face.

Swain took a deep breath: „Ok, let's do this Bird." They walked to the wardroom together.

Please let me know what you think.


	6. Chapter 6 - Dangling on a string

Authors note:

I'm not a medic, so please forgive me for the mistakes I've made in concern of medical terms. I aoplogize also for mistakes in the navy related things, I'm German and don't know anything about RAN, but I did my best. I just have been writing this story for fun. There is a lot of drama in this chapter, so I hope you like it.

Chapter 6 – Dangling on a string

As Swain and Bird entered the wardroom, they were greated by a furious X.

„Where the hell have you two been? Dutchy needs help and I don't know what to do."

„We had to talk a few things through, X. How to approach this situation and we didn't want to do it in front of Dutchy." Jessica reassured Kate. Swain shot her a grateful look.

„Oh, ok." The X wasn't sure, what to think of that answer, but she was thankful to be able to leave the wardroom. She felt uncomfortable, seeing the strong Bosun lying there so motionless and pale. Kate cared a lot about him and she couldn't stand the thought, that this could be a fight, he might loose. „I'm on the bridge. Do your best and keep me updated."

„Yes, Ma'am", they both replied.

Swain grabbed the headset: „Are you still there, Sir?" He asked a bit unsure.

„Yes, I am. Are you ready to go through with the surgery?"

„I am, Sir."

„Very good, sailor. We can do this together. I'll lead you through the procedure."

In the meantime on the bridge. Kate approached Mike: „Sir, could I have a word with you?"

„Sure X, let's go to my cabin." The CO answered.

„What is it X?"

„Sir, I'm concerned about Swain."

„Why? You said he handled the situation well on the island, didn't you?"

„That's correct. But later, on the ship, Bird asked me to look after Dutchy for a few minutes. Swain wasn't in the wardroom and I think she went after him."

„Well, he was upset, because we were ordered to stay here, but I thought he was doing well otherwise."

„I think he's still having problems with that incident on the Kalinda. And there was the fight with Dutchy, they didn't speak to each other the whole time. Although I have to admit, that he was great with him on Bride Island. I'm really not sure, if he can cope with everything that's happening."

„Ok, thank you for pointing it out to me. I'll go and see how things are going."

„Thank you, Sir."

Mike made his way to the wardroom.

As he entered, he heard Swain talking to the Navy doctor. So he addressed Bird quietly instead.

„How things are going?"

„Swain has to perform surgery on Dutchy, it's the only way to safe his life."

„What? Is he up to it? I've heard, he had left the wardroom earlier."

„Yeah, he needed a breath of fresh air and some words of encouragement, but now he's ok." Bird only hoped, that she was right with her estimation of the situation.

„Ok, let me know if you need anything. You're doing a great job Seaman Bird." The CO praised her.

„Thank you, Sir", Jessica said with a little smile. „I just hope we can save Dutchy."

„So do I." Mike turned and with a last concerned look at his Bosun, he left.

Swain didn't hear the conversation between Bird and his boss, he was totally focused on the voice of the doc.

„You have to keep the surrounding as clean as possible, do you have sterile underlayments?"

„Yes, we have."

„Good, are you able to intubate?"

„No Sir, we don't have the equipment." Swain was already sweating and he hadn't even started with the operation.

„Ok, then I want you to give him another shot of morphine, that should be enough to keep him calm and free of pain. We can't administer anaesthesia, because this would affect his breathing and as you can't intubate him, it's to risky."

„Understood. Bird you must control his vitals during the surgery and you have to wipe away the blood, so that I can see properly." Swain repeated the next orders of the doc.

„Ok, Swain, at first you'll loosen the torniquet. Good, now you have to flush the wound to see a bit better. OK. Make a little cut to open it up."

„Done", Swain was sweating profusely, his mouth was dry and his heart was racing, but he was determined to get through this and to save his friends life. Forgotten were all the arguments, the fight and the deadly silence between them. All that mattered was, that Dutchy got well again.

„Take the tweezers an try to take the bullet out slowly."

„I can feel it, it slips. Damn it."

„Easy Swain, easy. You can do it."

„Got it", Chris was relieved. He maneuvered the bullet carefully out of Dutchys leg. „It starts bleeding heavily again." You could hear the tension in Swains voice.

Bird piped up: „His vitals are worsening!" The doc replied, after hearing the numbers: „That's not good, but we can't stop now." He continued with his instructions.

„You have to sew the artery back together with really tiny stitches, the only purpose is, to stop the bleeding. The stitches will need to be redone, because you don't have the right kind of thread."

After a few minutes with Bird constantly wiping away the blood, the medic breathed: „Done, the bleeding seemed to have stopped."

„Well done, now you have to flush the wound and stitch the outer wound back together. How are his vitals?"

„A bit better than the last ones", Bird answered.

Swain was carrying out the orders in concentrated movements.

„Finished!" You could hear the relief in this single word.

„Ok, the last thing, you know it, bandaging the wound. You have to keep a close eye on him, don't leave him alone for a minute. You know the dosis of morphin has to be regulated, keep an eye on his vitals and document it. Keep his fluids up, the blood loss could still cause some issues."

„I'll keep a close eye on him, I promise I won't leave his side. So, bandage is finished. Thank you Sir, I couldn't have done it without your help and thank you for being patient with me earlier."

„No thanks needed. Congratulations Swain, you did an outstanding job, but remember: He's not out of the woods yet, but at least, he has a chance now, thanks to you."

„Thank you Sir, that means a lot to me."

„Maybe we should have a beer together, when you are back in Cairns."

„That would be great, Sir."

„Ok, just call me, if you need me again."

„I will, thank you Sir." With that the conversation was finished.

Swain looked at the pile of bloodied pads, that were piling up on the side table. He had to swallow hard. Had Dutchy lost ot much blood already? Could his body cope with it? No! He had to get rid of such negative thoughts. Dylan would be fine. He had to. Chris had an apology to make. Now he could see, what he couldn't before. That there were caring people around him. No one was judging him or blaming him. It was ok to be weak, to be afraid and that asking for help wasn't something to be ashamed of. Swain didn't understand how he couldn't see it before, why he was going around in circles. It was all so clear suddenly. He was relieved, but on the other hand it weighted heavily on his conscience, that it took such a drastic event, to make him see everything clearly and from the right perspective again.

„Do you think, he will make it?" Birds voice pulled him back to the present.

„He will. I won't let him die." Swains stated determined. „You did a great job, Jessica. I'll let the boss know. Thank you for your help and for the little kick in the ass on deck", Swain grinned. It was the first smile in a long time and it felt good.

„Your welcome, just make sure, not to make a habit out of it" joked Bird.

„I will, I promise. I've learned a lot from this." Chris said sincere. „Time for another check on our patient, Jessica."

„He's getting worse", Bird remarked after taking his blood pressure and pulse.

Swain took his stethoscope and listened to Dutchys heart. „His heartbeat is erratic ….wait, it stopped! We have to do CPR, Bird you do the breathing, I'm pumping." Jessica startet at once with two breaths. Swain followed immediately with the compressions.

„One, two, three, four, five… come on Dutchy, seven, eight, nine….."

„Bird prepare Adrenalin!"

After the shot was administered, he asked, while continuing the pumping: „Do we have a pulse?"

„Nothing", Jessica sounded devastated.

„One, two, three …."

They were already in the third round. Swain couldn't keep the panic out of his voice any longer: „Come on mate, don't do this to me, you have to fight mate!" Nobody noticed the CO standing in the open door with a shocked expression on his face.

„I have a pulse, I have a pulse!" Bird screamed exitedly.

Swain put his fingers on Dutchys neck and felt the slowly getting stronger pulse. With closed eyes he encouraged his friend: „That's it Dutchy, nice and steady, you're doing good mate, keep breathing."

„Good job Swaino, you too Bird. I just came to see, how things were going. The X told me, you had to perform surgery?" Mike made his presence known.

„Yeah, I managed to get the bullet out and stitch the artery back together. It has to be redone in the hospital however, because I didn't have the right kind of thread.

„Well done, Chris! I'm sorry you were forced to do this, but we had no other choice than to stay here."

„His blood pressure is still to low", Bird informed Swain.

„He needs a blood transfusion. Sir, could you make a call to the crew, that we need someone with blood type AB negative, I don't have time to go through the records."

„Of course, I'm on my way." The CO rushed out of the wardroom.

A few minutes later Charge stormed into the room. „I have AB negative", he blurted out, eager to help his crewmate.

„OK Charge, sit down here and give me your arm. Do you have any infectious illnesses or something like that?"

„What?", Andy asked irritated.

„It's mandatory, I had to ask, sorry mate", apologized Swain.

„Oh ok, no I'm not sick or so." Charge answered a bit embarrassed.

„Good, give me your arm. You should lie down for a while after we are finished and drink plenty of fluids, understood." Swain said in a stern voice. He has known Andy for a long time and was aware, that he was not eager to follow doctors orders.

„Yeah, understood", grumbled Charge.

„Finished", Chris announced after a while and removed the utilities they had used for the transfusion.

„Are you sure it is enough, you can give him more if you want. I can take it." Charge was concerned about Dutchy as they all were. He was willing to give more of his blood, even if it meant harming himself in the process. There was a situation a few years back, when he was in need of a blood transfusion. ET was the one, who helped saving his live, so Charge was glad to give it back in some way.

Swain smiled at his offer: „That's very generous of you mate, but it is enough. I'm afraid he's not out of the woods yet, but you've increased his chance of survival. That's all I can ask for. So, please be a good patient and go to your cabin and rest. I'll send Bird over in a while to check on you."

„There isn't much to do anyway. I promise I'll be good." Charge was feeling a little under the weather, so he didn't mind lying down for a while.

„Thank you for your help mate, I really appreciate it." The medic gave him a slap on the shoulder.

„No need for that Swaino, he would have done the same for everyone of us." Charge pointed out and left.

The storm came, but at their sheltered spot the Hammersley was safe and didn't have any problems to ride it out.

Swain sat beside Dutchy as Bird came back from checking on Charge. She handed Chris a brew, which he grateful accepted.

„Charge is snoring like a lumberjack. He didn't even wake up as I was taking his vitals." Bird smiled.

„That's good to hear, no change here", Swain said quietly.

Bird took a closer look at Swain. He looked really tired, he was pale and Jessica was sure that he lost some weight over the last few weeks.

„Why don't you lie down for a while? You look done in. I'll watch Dutchy in the meantime." Bird proposed.

„No, I'm NOT gonna leave him." Swain stated passionately. In a calmer voice he continued: „Not that I wouldn't trust you, Jessica, but I can't leave his side. I can't."

„It's ok. I understand." Bird reassured him.

Chris took his stethoscope and listened to Dutchys heart. He was satisfied with the rhythmic beat, but he felt heat radiating from his friends body. „He's running a fever", he sighed.

„Why?" asked Bird.

„Well, there are many possible reasons. He could have an infection, this is not a sterile room and we performed a surgery on him. It could also just be a reaction of his body to all the stress, he has endured. Or it could be a simple cold, but I rule that one out. We'll have to monitor his temperature closely and try to cool him down. Can you bring me a bowl with cold water and some cloths?"

„Sure, in a minute", Jessica answered.

„You are such a big help, thank you Jessica. I don't know, what I would do without you" Swain said.

Bird shook her head: „I like the work of a medic and I have learnt so much from you already. I just wish, we could do more for him."

Swain sighed: „Yeah, me too."

Dutchys fever was challenging. His temperature dropped a bit and then shot up again. RO tried to get the Navy doctor on the line, but due to the storm, he couldn't reach him. The interferences were to strong. So they were on their own.

The door opened and the CO came in. „How is he?" The boss wanted to know.

Swaino explained: „The good thing is, the bleeding has stopped, but he's running a fever now. His vitals are more stable, but they are still not, where I want them to be. He needs to be in a hospital. He's holding his own, but I don't know for how much longer. When can we finally leve here, Sir?"

„Well, we don't have radio contact to the base, but I think we need to wait a couple hours, before we can leave", Mike explained.

„We've been here for over 24 hours, Sir. Time is running out. Can't we leave now? Please Sir."

The captain saw the pleeding look of his medic and gave in. „We will leave in an hour, not a minute earlier, is that understood?"

„Yes, Sir. Thank you."

Please review!


	7. Chapter 7 - A life on the line

Authors note:

So, this is it. The last chapter of my first story. It was so much fun writing it and I already have some ideas for a new story. I hope you like it.

Chapter 7 – A life on the line

Swain felt a bit of the tension leave his body, as he felt the ship moving. At least they were on their way to Cairns. It would still take them several hours to reach their destination, but if Dutchy could hold on a little longer, he might make it.

Chris took the cloth from Dutchys forehead, rinsed it in cool water and replaced it. He had done so numerous times over the last two hours, but Dylan was still too warm. The medic had sent Bird to get some rest, so he was alone with his friend.

„Hold on mate, we're on our way to Cairns. You have to fight, you hear me? I'm so sorry, I was such an idiot. You and Sally just tried to help me and I pushed you away again and again. I don't deserve you both, but I'm glad you put up with me. Come on Dutchy, open your eyes for me."

But all the pleading didn't trigger a reaction, that was what Swain bothered. Sure, Dutchy has lost a lot of blood and was still under Morphine, but his unresponsiveness concerned Chris. He feared, that his friend might slip into a coma and there was nothing he could do about it.

Swain ran a shaky hand through his hair. A brew would be great, but he didn't dare to leave his patient for a minute. He was utterly exhausted, he hadn't slept for almost 36 hours, because he had nightwatch, before they were searching Bride Island. The weeks prior to this, he hadn't got much rest either. This whole situation began to take its toll on his body, but he couldn't give in to his bodys demands. He had sworn to himself, not to leave Dutchys side until he was sure, that he would be ok.

The X entered the wardroom, a brew in her hands.

„ This for me?" asked Swain and reached for the cup.

„Yes, I thought you could use it. How is he?"

„Still the same. He has not woken up since we took him to the RHIB. I don't like it, but unfortunately I can't do nothing about it. His fever is going up and down. His vitals are still not very good, but at least stable."

The XO tried to encourage him: „He's a fighter Swain, he's strong."

„He will make it, he has to. I have to talk to him, aoplogize for the fight. You know I threw the first punch."

„You?" Kate was surprised.

„Yeah, it was me. He provoked me, had me cornered, but only to pull me from the living hell I had made my life. He wanted so desperately to help me. And what did I? I hit him. I punched my best friend, after he had stayed by my side the whole night and held me, while I puked my guts out. God, what an asshole I am!" Swain said disgusted with himself.

„But that's what friends are for, aren't they? To be by your side, when you are at your lowest. And that's what he did. Not giving up on his best friend. You would have done the same for him." The X stated.

„Maybe, probably. I couldn't shake of that thing with Berkelman, I wanted to leave the Navy" confessed Swain.

„I assumed, that the events that happened on the Kalinda were bothering you. Do you still want to leave the Navy? It would be a great loss for the crew. Look at Dutchy. We don't know, if he will survive this, but you are the one, that gave him a realistic chance. The CO told me, you operated on him. I don't think that any ordinary medic could have done this. It's your passion, determination and devotion to the crew that makes you so indispensible to all of us." The X said with a gentle voice.

„Thank you, Kate", was all that Chris managed to say. He was deeply touched by her speech. Kate gave him a quick hug. „Your welcome, Swaino. If you need me, I'm on the bridge."

Chris needed a few minutes to compose himself. He took a deep breath an did a check up on Dutchy. While he listened to his heartbeat, the medic watched his patients face. It was just a split of a second, but Swain thought he saw movement of Dylans eyes.

„Come on Dutchy, wake up for me mate, you've slept long enough", he encouraged him. There! Definitely movement behind the closed eyes. „Wake up Dutchy!" Swain gently slapped him on the face to bring him back from his dark world. Dylans eyes opened a bit, then closed and opened again. „That's it mate. Try to focus on my face." Dutchys eyes couldn't focus on him, he closed them. A minute later they opened again. They didn't look as dazed as before.

„Can you hear me mate?" His question was answered with a slight nod. Swain was relieved. He offered Dutchy some water. „Are you in pain?" Dutchy shook his head. „Do you know where you are?"

„Hammersley", came a whisper from him.

Swain smiled: „That's right mate. I'm sorry, I had to do surgery on you, but I got the bullet out. We're on our way back to Cairns. You have to hold on a little longer. Promise me not to give up, will you?"

A barely audible „Promise" was the answer. Dutchys eyes rolled back and he passed out. Swain immediately checked his breathing. It was shallow, but it was there.

The next hours were passing uneventfully. Dylan hadn't regained consciousness, his fever was still high and his vitals were getting worse. Swain feared, that he would loose his friend. He felt helpless, he had done all in his might to save Dutchys life, but it seemed that it wasn't enough.

Chris stayed by his side until they reached their homeport. RO had arranged, that an ambulance was waiting at the dock. Swain prepared Dutchy for the transport, then he sat down again. He was totally exhausted, but he had turned down all offers from his crew mates to relieve him. Chris wanted to be there, in case Dutchy stopped breathing again.

The door opened and two paramedics stepped in. After a short greeting Swain updated them on Dutchys condition. The CO had given him permission to accompany their Bosun on the ride to the hospital. Everything was running smoothly and in a few minutes they had him from the ship and in the waiting ambulance. They reached the hospital 15 minutes later and Dutchy was rushed in and right to the operating room, where a team of doctors and nurses were waiting for him.

Swain was beside Dutchy as long as possible. He encouraged him along the way through the hospital: „Don't give up mate. You'll be fine, they'll take real good care of you."

At the door to the operating area he had to say goodbye to Dutchy. He squeezed his hand one last time and whispered: „See you soon mate."

Swain turned around with tears in his eyes. He had to swallow hard a few times to get himself back together. He heard footsteps and looked up. The crew was there. The CO, the X, Charge, 2Dads and Bird were looking at him expectantly.

„His conditon didn't change on the way to the hospital." He was feeling weird all of a sudden, the corridor was moving and he had problems to focus. „They took him right... right into the OR." His tongue felt somehow heavy. „All we can…we … can do…"

„Swain, are you alright mate?" A voice penetrated the fog, that was muddling his mind, but he wasn't able to respond. His knees buckled and Mike caught him in the last second before he hit the ground.

„We need a doctor here now!" Bird cried. A nurse came running and grabbed a stretcher, where they put Swain on. She brought him in an examination room immediately and the doctor, that had arrived followed her.

„Oh my god, what was that?" a totally shocked 2Dads asked.

„I think his body couldn't take any more. He was awake for almost two days straight. He hasn't left Dutchys side for a minute. The surgery, doing CPR and fighting Dutchys fever was so stressful. He didn't sleep well the last weeks and he barely ate enough. It is a wonder, he didn't collapse earlier if you ask me. I think he was going on pure willpower." Bird summed up the situation.

„Yeah, you're probably right, Bird." Mike said with a guilty look on his face. He should have forced Swain to get enough rest. The crew was his responsibility, he should have seen how exhausted Swain was, but like everybody elses, his focus was on Dutchy only.

After 15 minutes the doctor left the room, where Swain was brought in earlier.

„How is he doctor? I'm his CO" Mike added after seeing the doubtful expression on his face.

„Well, there's nothing seriously wrong with him, as far as I can see. But we're running a few tests and have to wait for the results of the blood analysis. He is still unconscious. Was he under stress lately?"

„It looks like he had run himself into the ground while taking care of our injured Bosun. He hasn't slept for two days and hasn't eaten properly. Obviously he hasn't taken care of himself for a few weeks. Do you think that is the cause for his collapse?"

„That sounds reasonable. What he needs most now is rest. I'll contact you, if I have any news, Commander."

„Oh, I will stay here for a while. My Bosun is in the OR right now and I'll wait and see how the surgery goes."

„You can sit with your Swain, if you want. If he wakes up, call me and make sure he stays in bed." The doctor said and left.

The crew took the seats in the hallway and Buffer went, to get them all some coffee. They were in for a long wait and nobody was in the mood to talk. They were still shocked about Swains collapse, but on the other hand they weren't surprised it happened.

The CO went into the room, where Chris was in and sat down beside the bed. Swain looked awfully pale and drawn.

Light. Bright light. Swain didn't know where he was for a moment. Then it all rushed back and he shot up in bed. At once a wave of dizziness came over him and forced him back on the pillow.

„Easy Swaino, relax" gentle hands were holding him down.

Chris looked up and saw the concerned face of his boss: „Sir, what happened?"

„You passend out Swain, you gave us quite a scare. You were out cold for an hour." The CO answered and pushed the call button.

„I'm sorry Sir, but I can't remember" Chris admitted embarrassed.

„You have absolutely nothing to be sorry for Swaino", Mike stated. „It's me, who has an apology to make. I should have made sure, that you got some rest, but to be honest, I was glad that you stayed with Dutchy the whole time. I forgot, that you hadn't slept for two days. I'm sorry."

„It's ok. I wouldn't have left Dutchy anyway. Any news from him?"

„He's still in surgery, and you should think of your own health now" a stern voice from the doorway said.

„How do you feel Petty Office Blake?" The doctor wanted to know.

„A bit weak" admitted Swain. He fidgeted with the bedclothes.

„Well that doesn't surprise me. Commander Flynn told me what you had done the last two days. When was the last time you have eaten anything?"

Chris was thinking. „I don't know, yesterday maybe", he said unsure.

„I've already ordered a meal for you. The good news are, the tests we made are all ok. Looks like it is simply pure exhaustion. You should take better care of yourself in the future."

„I'll make sure he does, doctor", Mike piped up.

„Good, now get some rest Petty Officer", the doctor ordered and left.

„I can't, I have to know how Dutchy is", Swain contradicted.

„I promise, I'll come and wake you up as soon as there are any news. Go to sleep Swain, that's an order", the CO tried to put him at ease.

„All right Sir, but don't break your promise."

„I won't Swaino. I'll give Sally a call and let her know what happened."

„No Sir, please don't do that. She's pretty worried about me and I don't want to add to her concern. I'll give her a call, after I've slept a few hours."

„Sounds good to me sailor", the boss agreed and left the room.

Swain wasn't sure how he would be able to sleep, while Dutchy was fighting for his life just a few feet away, but his body demanded rest and so he was asleep pretty fast. After only two hours he woke up, he got up and dressed and stepped out into the corridor where his crew mates were still waiting nervously.

Mike noticed him first: „Swain, what are you doing out of bed?"

„I woke up and couldn't go back to sleep. I'll get some rest when I know that Dutchy is gonna be ok."

The CO just nodded. He couldn't blame Swain, he understood.

Finally the door to the operating area opened and a doctor came over to them.

„The crew of Petty Officer Mulholland?" he asked.

„Yes, I am his commanding officer and this is my crew. How is he doc?"

„It was touch and go there for a while, but he'll be fine. Who is the medic, that performed the surgery on him?"

Chris hesitantly moved to the front of the group. „I am."

„Congratulations, you did an outstanding job. If it wasn't for the wrong thread, we wouldn't have to redo the stitching. You definitely saved his life. With such an injury, so far away from a hospital, you have almost no chance of survival, unless you have someone like you. Unfortunately, he started bleeding again, but we got it under control pretty fast. We will keep him sedated a few more hours and let him wake up slowly. So, I suggest you all go home and get some rest now.

„I'm proud of you Swain. I couldn't wish for a better medic. And now go home and sleep, for Gods sake."

„Thank you Sir, I will." Relief flooded Swains body and he felt at peace for the first time in a long while.

Chris went home, he kissed his wife and Chloe, then went straight to bed and slept for 18 hours.

It took him a few minutes to get his bearings. Then the events of the last days came back to him. He took a deep breath and got up. Swain felt good after the long rest and headed to the bathroom to take a shower.

Twenty minutes later he stepped into the kitchen, where Sally was preparing breakfast. She didn't hear him enter the room. Swain gave her a hug from behind and gently kissed her neck.

Sally turned around with a smile on her face. „Hey honey, I didn't hear you come down. How are you feeling? You looked done in yesterday."

„Yeah, I really was exhausted. The trip took a lot out of me." Swain answered honestly.

„Do you want to talk about it? I mean, I don't want to press you, it's just …", Sally was unsure how to approach her husband, because he always brushed her off, when she tried to make him open up.

„It's ok Sal, I think it's time to tell you, what was going on with me the last weeks", Chris interrupted her.

„Oh Chris, you have no idea for how long I was hoping to hear those words. I've already doubted our relationship", confessed his wife.

Swain swallowed hard: „I know and I'm so sorry about it precious, but it wasn't you, it was me."

And then he started. He told her everything. All the details, he had kept from her till now. He described the incident on the Kalinda and how he felt about it. Then he told her about the nightmares, the boarding, where Dutchy got hurt and what happened in the wardroom. Swain was brutally honest with her and so he confessed his drinking session as well as the reason for the fight with his best friend. Sally knew bits and pieces from Dutchy, but to hear it from her husband didn't make it any easier. Her concern grew and she was wondering, where this was leading. Although she could feel something had changed, she only hoped, that this was the turning point in this whole mess. Sally was tempted to interrupt and ask some questions, but she didn't want to stop him. Swain continued with the happenings after they were crash sailed. Tears were running down her cheek, as Chris described the fight for Dylans life. Not only for Dutchy, but for Chris as well. She knew that it was indescribably hard for him, because he cared so much. Sally was relieved to hear that Dylan would be ok, but she was shocked by her husbands collapse in the hospital.

„Are you sure, you are ok … I mean it isn't like you to simply faint?" Sally wanted to know.

„I'm fine, baby", he had to laugh at Sallys doubting expression. „And this time, it's the truth, I promise." Swain was serious again. „I know, I used this words often and they were not honest. I owe you an apology and Dutchy", he sighed.

Sally took his face between her hands: „You have nothing to be sorry for, my love. But promise me one thing. Talk to me about your problems, about your fears and the things that happen, when you are out at sea. I'm strong, I can take it. What I can't take is, when you close me out."

„I promise", Chris simply said and he meant it. He pulled his wife in for a hug and a long kiss.

A babbling over the baby monitor told them, that Chloe was awake. „I'll get her", Swain said eagerly. He couldn't wait, to hold his daughter in his arms, he had missed her so much.

They had breakfast together and afterwards Chris played with Chloe for an hour. Sally just sat on the couch and enjoyed, that her familiy was whole again. Just before noon Swain left for the hospital.

His was nervous, as he entered the hospital. Hopefully Dutchy would be ok. Swain reached the intensive care unit. He was lucky, the doctor from yesterday granted him entrance. „How is he doc, is he gonna be ok?" Chris asked anxious.

„He had a quiet night. We stopped the sedatives yesterday evening and he had slept through the night. He has not awoken till now, but we've expected that. His vitals are good, if there aren't any complications coming up, he will make a full recovery" the doc explained.

That last sentence took a load off Swains mind. „Can I see him?"

„I was informed, that he hasn't any relatives, so why not? Please inform me, when he wakes up."

„I will, thank you."

„Your welcome Petty Officer." The doc left and Swain entered the room. He thought he was prepared for the sight, that was awating him, but he was wrong, he was not. Chris was shocked, although he had seen Dutchy in the wardroom fighting for his life, this was different. His friend was lying in the hospital bed so still, pale and his breathing was barely visible. All the tubes attached to him and the monitors beeping made it clear once more, how serious the situation was. It was hard to believe that his friend was gonna be ok. Swain had to repeat it like a mantra. „He's gonna be ok."

Chris swallowed and sat down on a chair beside the bed. He didn't know, what to do, so he began to talk. „Hey mate, the doc said you'll make a full recovery. Just make sure, you don't take to long or 2Dads will drive us all crazy." Swain paused. What was he doing? Talking about unimportant stuff.

„I spoke with Sally. Told her everything, I mean really everything, how I messed up after the boarding and about the fight and all. She was very understanding and she has forgiven me for being so withdrawn and selfish. I love her so much and I don't deserve her, she deserves someone better than me."

„Should have married me instead" the whispered words startled Swain. „Dutchy! You're awake. How are you feeling mate?"

„Like death warmed up, can I have a drink?" Dylans voice sounded hoarse.

„Sure, just take small sips" Swain helped him to drink and then sat back on his chair.

For a few minutes they both remained silent. Swain knew, he should call for the doctor, but he wanted to talk to Dutchy first.

He cleared his throat. „I've got an apology to make my friend. I know I was an asshole. You were just trying to help me and I kept pushing you away. I don't know why I couldn't open up to you or Sally. It was, like I would loose some worth. I didn't like the way I felt, the fear, the uncertainity, the guilt and the shame. I was doubting myself and my worth as a medic. I was disappointed in myself for not withstanding Berkelmanns orders, and I took it out on you. I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am. I don't ask you to forgive me, but maybe you can understand me."

„I forgive you Swain. The hardest part for me wasn't that you blocked me off. It was seeing you suffering so much. It was so hard to see you fall apart bit by bit and not be able to help you, to reach you. I will say it just one more time and I hope you believe me now. You did NOTHING wrong, you didn't let anyone done and you had no reason to doubt yourself. You are my friend and nothing will change that." Dutchy tried to finde a more comfortable position in bed and winced.

Chris nodded;"Thank you for everything. I'll better call the doctor" Swain pushed the button.

A short time later the doctor walked into the room. „Nice to see you awake Petty Officer Mulholland. How do you feel?"

„I feel week as a kitten, that's disgusting." Dutchy made a face.

Swain and the doc laughed. „Well, that's not surprising after all you went through. The bullet nicked your femoral artery, you lost a lood of blood. Your poor medic here had to perform surgery on you to save your life, then he had to revive you and keep you alive long enough until you could be brought here. He deserves the credit that you are still alive sailor."

„I had no idea" Dutchy mumbled dumbfolded. He couldn't remember anything. „Thank you isn't enough for what you did for me Swaino."

„It is. I think we are even." Chris said with a genuine smile.

The doctor turned to Swain: „How do you feel today Petty Officer, any dizziness?"

„Nothing doc, I had a good nights sleep and I feel much better now."

„Very good. Don't stay too long, PO Mulholland needs rest and so do you." The doc left the room.

„What was that?" Dutchy asked.

„What do you mean?" Swain wasn't to eager to tell his friend about his fainting.

„Oh no, you're not doing this again" threatened Dylan.

„Ok, ok. I was a bit exhausted, after we brought you in and I collapsed on the floor." Swain admitted.

„Are you ok mate?" Dutchy was concerned.

„I've slept 18 hours straight. I'm fine."

„FINE, you are FINE? You are lucky, that I'm bedridden right now or I would punch you." Dylan stormed.

Swain grinned: „Yeah, I'm fine!"

„Maybe you should get a tattoo with this damn words", Dutchy mumbled.

END

I really would love to know, what you think about it. Thanks for all the reviews. Special thanks to Seaheeler for encouraging me to write a story. Also special thanks to CoastwatchGirl for giving me a boost, when I needed it the most.


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